A little note of thanks.

I feel so thankful for having such great friends read my blog and for encouraging me and supporting me with my posts and ideas. I love reading your comments!

So thanks. Especially on that last post. I think I really needed it. :)

Mothering on my terms.

Errr....this is somewhat of an awkward post for me to write. Remember I said that I had posts to write but never got them published? One of them was this post. If you think I'm pregnant while reading this, I'm not. :)

The day that I threw in the towel on being a mother was the day I saw a picture in my sister's book. I'm not sure what book it was (perhaps physiology?) but I think it was for a high school class.

Here's what it was, or at least what I can piece together from my six-year-old memory: one gigantic needle lodged in a swollen belly. Sounds morbid and gross? IT WAS. And it was enough to scar me to this day. I think I decided right then and there that if that's what being pregnant was--being subject to various pokes and prods with a mile-long needle--then I wasn't going to have kids. Nope.

Even growing up, kids never really appealed to me. I wasn't the type of girl dying to maul someone else's baby or oogling over Little Timmy's trip to the loo. Once in the car, I remember telling my mom that I didn't want to have kids. She seemed a little disappointed.

Nor did I ever dream about whittling about the house all day while my child slept peacefully in his rocker. I didn't want to be the woman that frantically stumbled into sacrament meeting with a frilly, lacy diaper bag over her shoulder. My mom wasn't like this, but I'm the youngest so I never saw her raise someone younger than me.

For some reason, although I don't think I ever personally knew moms that fit this description, this was the image plastered into my mind. This was the mold I had to fit to become a mom. And I didn't like it. There was also the never-ending feeling that once I became a mother, I wouldn't be me anymore. I would have to give up interests, hobbies and ambitions. Moms worry, too. I don't like to worry.

I don't remember the day when things started changing for me. It might have been a few years after I graduated from high school. It might have been when I married Mark. Or, it might have been the day I grew up a little.

I started learning about alternative medicine and different ways to give birth other than being tied up in a hospital bed. I learned about making my own baby food, cloth diapering, and baby wearing. Weird to most? Yes. Weird to me? Absolutely not.

Some call this kind of parenting "crunchy." Crunchy as in granola. I'm not sure about the word crunchy (it's on my list of annoying sounding words) but I'll definitely take granola. The whole practice just seems right to me.

As I've discussed this with other women my age, they look at me as if I live in a fantasy world. Exasperations from mothers saying something to the extent of, "Well, you just wait until you have those contractions!" or, "But disposable diapers are just so much easier!" always seemed to leave me down in the dumps. Last week, a coworker mentioned the topic of me eating meat during pregnancy and asked me if I would give in if I craved it. I proudly stated that I wouldn't touch it. Another coworker decided this would be the prime opportunity to tell me that I needed to eat meat, and that I shouldn't have kids unless I plan on eating it. The kids need it, she said.

The rest of work dragged on. I left feeling that if I want to have kids the way I plan on having them, that it will be an uphill battle with people's comments and opinions. Discouraging, to say the least.

Have you ever found where you belong, or have aspirations to get where you belong, only to have someone tell you that it's stupid?

I think I have finally found the definition for how I want to be as a mother. And it fits for me. To everyone else who thinks I'm looney: Sorry, I'm not. I'm marching to the beat of a different drummer.

Today, I asked Mark if he would care if we raised our kids that way. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Of course not. You're going to be the mother."

Impatient is the word.

Thanks for all your support on my lack of blogging. It feels good to get back to writing (it is my major, after all.)

Okay, time to share the news I've been DYING to spill for months--remember this post?

Mark applied for an internship in Germany. Munich to be exact. It was for an auditing position with Deloitte & Touche, one of the top accounting firms in the world. We found out about it early September and Mark applied in October. He received an email from the Deloitte & Touche branch in Munich letting him know they would be glad to offer him an internship, but there actually wasn't an "official" position for him in the summer. The man said there might be one, however, but it was all up to one company's decision. Who that company was and what they had to decide remains a mystery to me. But the man said it could be "as late as February" before he would know if there was a position for Mark.

Well, let me tell you, the time has dragged. And I am beginning to get IMPATIENT. Dare I say irritable? And I'm not even the one applying for the position. Mark seems pretty cool about it though. (Luckily, patience is one of Mark's best attributes.)

Here's why I'm so antsy: There are a lot of changes in store for us. I'm graduating in May. We're moving (maybe even to a new country). We've been in the same apartment for almost three years. My family wants to go on a trip to Europe over the summer with us. But here's the thing, we can't start planning it, because we don't know when we can go! Summer is going to be here before I know it, and all my plans are up in the air. As much as I like flying by the seat of my pants (which is how I make most of my decisions) I can't handle flying by the seat of my pants with this one.

You see, I miss Europe. When we found out about the internship opportunity, I immediately began searching the net for pictures, videos and apartment listings in Munich. I've been to Germany before, but only to see one castle.

I also recently discovered Google street view, which is available for some parts of Europe, such as Switzerland. I've started browsing streets here and there, seeing places I've been before. This does little to help the situation.

I'm so proud of Mark for applying and coming so close to getting accepted. Hopefully we can get an answer soon so we can close this chapter of our lives and start planning a new one. Let's hope time flies by--and fast.

One street corner I remember standing on in Lucerne, Switzerland. (Google street view)

Hopefully I'll see you soon, Europe!

February=Boredom.

I haven't written anything for awhile. It feels weird.

I keep starting blog entries to post them, because I feel the need to write feelings and thoughts down. Then once I get them down, for some reason, I see it as pointless to publish it. I feel like my blogging capabilities have died! What happened to me?

I'll blame it on February. Or perhaps because I haven't seen the sun in months. Thanks Cache Valley.