Veganism is a rocky road sometimes.

I don't think that veganism was something that I chose. In many ways, I think it found me.

Take for example, the first time I listened to what was soon to be my favorite podcast. After searching through piles of podcasts on iTunes, I came across it and thought, "That seems like a good podcast to listen to about being healthy." And so I downloaded an episode titled, "The High Costs of Cheap Meat" thinking it was going to talk about stuff like hot dogs and chicken nuggets. I must have been really opposed to processed meat at the time.

As the voice rambled on, I remember thinking, This woman is crazy. So much of it went over my head that after I turned off my iPod about 15 minutes into the episode, I didn't remember much except for her saying something about veganism.

Months and months went by until I decided to listen to more of those podcasts at work. I downloaded a few more and was instantly hooked. I liked her message and it seemed to fit in my beliefs, something I believe I had swept under a rug and ignored for some time.

There was the time when my family decided to raise broiler chickens and I had to help the process of--ahem--killing them. Believe me, I had no emotional attachment to those chickens in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I think I was still a little bitter about being attacked by one of my brother's roosters several years before. Still, the image of what happened that day will forever be tattooed in my brain. Did that stop me from eating meat at the time? No.

A few times I had gone with my family fishing and I remember feeling bad for the poor fish that were hauled up out of the water on the end of my line. I got used to seeing the dead animals my family would bring in after they hunted and it got to the point where I didn't think twice about it. Yet, at the same time, I had pretty passionate beliefs that an animal shouldn't be killed "just because."

I almost went vegan a few years after high school. My roommate had discovered a diet called macrobiotic, and I liked it. I believed intensely one of the main messages: what you eat translates directly to how your body looks, feels, and operates. My roommates uncle came over to our apartment one day and was teasingly calling us "vegans." Even though it is a vegan diet per se, I got a little offended.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, veganism was still a hard decision for me, and at times it continues to get harder. I spent so many years closed and blocked to the idea of animal suffering that when I realized just how wide spread and horrible it is, it was devastating.

You see, no one tells you when you are younger that in the egg industry, male "egg-laying" chicks are killed shortly after birth because they are considered useless. No one tells you how extensive and horrible the fur industry is, and it's even worse to find out that some main culprits are even miles away. The feeling of knowing all this is overwhelming and you feel deceived. But let me tell you, what's almost worse than knowing is the feeling that if you try to inform someone else of what you think would be useful information to them (because it was for you) they don't want to listen. They don't want to know.

Your eye to animal suffering is opened. This is something so hard to explain until you truly feel it for yourself.

One day, on the way to work, I saw a cop pulled off the side of the road with his lights on. As I glanced over to see what happened while Mark drove on, I saw a deer that had been hit and crippled in the middle of the road. He was sitting upright, but obviously could not walk or get away. I saw the look on his face, and I'll never forget it. I cried the whole way to work and for most of the first hour.

The truth is, life gets more complicated the more you care about things. There are many times when almost wish I could go back to being ignorant about it all and wishing that would take be back to "bliss." That way, I wouldn't experience tensions between some extended family members, getting stressed when I see images or hear people talk about abusing and killing animals, running into articles online about how horrible the meat and dairy industries are, avoiding 99% of the food at family and friend get-togethers and feeling guilty about it, and the feeling that sometimes you just aren't making a difference.

I sincerely hope this post isn't depressing you entirely (if you are still reading)...

What makes it worth it though, is looking into an animal's eyes and being able to see its soul. (Hey now, stop that eye-rolling!) I'm being serious. You stop seeing animals as units and start seeing them as beings that exist for their own reasons and have their own reasons to live. They want to breathe clean air, run, and be free like we are. And you feel it.

Often, I've had friends tell me, "I was watching (insert random show involving animals of some sort) and it reminded me of you! I know you would love it." Or, "I saw something that was vegan the other day and I thought of you!"

Maybe someone is listening, after all.