Jeans shmeans.

I have a dilemma.

I've hit a fashion crossroads. All my jeans have holes in them from wearing them too much. But here's the thing, I don't want to buy more to replace them.

I despise jeans. I loathe jeans. Just the thought of putting them on makes me queasy.

How did I come to this realization, you might ask? About a year ago, I've decided that I've really just been fighting my hatred all my life. I've always passed them off as a minor annoyance and just decided that it was something I had to put up with.

Here's a short list of why I don't like jeans:

1. They're uncomfortable. Come on, you know they are!

2. It's virtually impossible to find a pair that fights you perfectly without getting tailored.

3. They all start to look the same after awhile.

4. It's also next to impossible to go from a sitting position to a standing (and visa versa) without having to make some sort of adjustment. (am I the only one with this problem?)

5. They're expensive.

6. Finding a good pair is like finding a needle in a haystack. Hipsters. Boot cut. Low rise. High rise. Skinny. Baggy. Relaxed cut. How about a fits-my-body-instantly cut?

7. Yawn...they can make an outfit look blah.

8. Jeans aren't forgiving with shapes.

All my life I've resorted to jeans as my standard wear for my legs, but no more ladies! No more!

As I've wandered through various European street fashion blogs, many women aren't wearing jeans. Tights, leggings, jeggings, skirts, dresses--these women are my inspiration. They must be so comfortable in those things, and they look fabulous too!

So now I'm on the hunt for the perfect items to add to my wardrobe to replace my holy jeans. It's going to be quite the task, but oh man, it's going to be worth it.

I love this girl's trousers. So cute. (image)

Now, does anyone want to join me in a ceremonial burning of the jeans?

New name and a new life.

Well, my blog has had yet another name change. For some reason, each name seems to just get old after awhile. Is there something wrong with constantly changing blog names? Who knows.

For those of you who read my last post, perhaps I should throw in a bit of a disclaimer. I don't intend for everyone around me to be vegetarian/vegan, but my meaning when I say that "people don't want to hear" is that some people absolutely don't want to know what happens to their food. It's one thing to not know and consume and another to know and still eat it anyway. I think we all need to know what happens to our food and where it came from because it is so elemental and essential to life. I hope I don't sound prudish or rude here, but after I reread my post, I just worried how people would take it.

Anyway, moving on...

Perhaps you remember this post? Mark's possible internship with Deloitte & Touche kinda fell through the cracks. However (and I can't remember if I mentioned this in the last post) it wasn't an official position that Mark was applying for. He was the only one who applied and we weren't sure if there was going to be a place for him over in Munich, and it turns out there wasn't. Kind of a bummer after waiting months (and months!) to find out what was going to happen this summer. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Mark applied for another internship for Bosch in Waiblingen, Germany. This one looks for promising than the last (at least I hope!)

USU has revolving internship positions for Bosch. I'm not sure when we would be going over if he ended up getting the internship, but it would be for 3-6 months. The student from USU that is over there right now is on a 6th month internship. Holy cannoli. If we did go over there for six months, what on earth would I do with myself while Mark worked? I told Mark that I would have to find a job somewhere, even if that meant being the cleaning lady at a hotel or something. The thought excites and scares me at the same time!

This is all speculation, of course. I mean, what else can we do but be excited for the possibilites? Who knows what's going to happen, but I hope we hear news soon!

I'm graduating in about a month. We're moving sometime soon (date is unknown because of the internship). I had a job interview this past week with the local newspaper. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing in May! Has anyone else had this happen to them? You're literally a month away from huge changes, but you don't know what they are yet. I'm not sure my stress levels and tense neck muscles can handle this! :)

On the other hand, I sure am excited for summer to come. I just hope it involves lots of bike rides, tennis, softball, sunshine, campfires, and the lake! It's going to be great!

Next post: Oregon trip. (I'm just too lazy to do it right now.)

Veganism is a rocky road sometimes.

I don't think that veganism was something that I chose. In many ways, I think it found me.

Take for example, the first time I listened to what was soon to be my favorite podcast. After searching through piles of podcasts on iTunes, I came across it and thought, "That seems like a good podcast to listen to about being healthy." And so I downloaded an episode titled, "The High Costs of Cheap Meat" thinking it was going to talk about stuff like hot dogs and chicken nuggets. I must have been really opposed to processed meat at the time.

As the voice rambled on, I remember thinking, This woman is crazy. So much of it went over my head that after I turned off my iPod about 15 minutes into the episode, I didn't remember much except for her saying something about veganism.

Months and months went by until I decided to listen to more of those podcasts at work. I downloaded a few more and was instantly hooked. I liked her message and it seemed to fit in my beliefs, something I believe I had swept under a rug and ignored for some time.

There was the time when my family decided to raise broiler chickens and I had to help the process of--ahem--killing them. Believe me, I had no emotional attachment to those chickens in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I think I was still a little bitter about being attacked by one of my brother's roosters several years before. Still, the image of what happened that day will forever be tattooed in my brain. Did that stop me from eating meat at the time? No.

A few times I had gone with my family fishing and I remember feeling bad for the poor fish that were hauled up out of the water on the end of my line. I got used to seeing the dead animals my family would bring in after they hunted and it got to the point where I didn't think twice about it. Yet, at the same time, I had pretty passionate beliefs that an animal shouldn't be killed "just because."

I almost went vegan a few years after high school. My roommate had discovered a diet called macrobiotic, and I liked it. I believed intensely one of the main messages: what you eat translates directly to how your body looks, feels, and operates. My roommates uncle came over to our apartment one day and was teasingly calling us "vegans." Even though it is a vegan diet per se, I got a little offended.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, veganism was still a hard decision for me, and at times it continues to get harder. I spent so many years closed and blocked to the idea of animal suffering that when I realized just how wide spread and horrible it is, it was devastating.

You see, no one tells you when you are younger that in the egg industry, male "egg-laying" chicks are killed shortly after birth because they are considered useless. No one tells you how extensive and horrible the fur industry is, and it's even worse to find out that some main culprits are even miles away. The feeling of knowing all this is overwhelming and you feel deceived. But let me tell you, what's almost worse than knowing is the feeling that if you try to inform someone else of what you think would be useful information to them (because it was for you) they don't want to listen. They don't want to know.

Your eye to animal suffering is opened. This is something so hard to explain until you truly feel it for yourself.

One day, on the way to work, I saw a cop pulled off the side of the road with his lights on. As I glanced over to see what happened while Mark drove on, I saw a deer that had been hit and crippled in the middle of the road. He was sitting upright, but obviously could not walk or get away. I saw the look on his face, and I'll never forget it. I cried the whole way to work and for most of the first hour.

The truth is, life gets more complicated the more you care about things. There are many times when almost wish I could go back to being ignorant about it all and wishing that would take be back to "bliss." That way, I wouldn't experience tensions between some extended family members, getting stressed when I see images or hear people talk about abusing and killing animals, running into articles online about how horrible the meat and dairy industries are, avoiding 99% of the food at family and friend get-togethers and feeling guilty about it, and the feeling that sometimes you just aren't making a difference.

I sincerely hope this post isn't depressing you entirely (if you are still reading)...

What makes it worth it though, is looking into an animal's eyes and being able to see its soul. (Hey now, stop that eye-rolling!) I'm being serious. You stop seeing animals as units and start seeing them as beings that exist for their own reasons and have their own reasons to live. They want to breathe clean air, run, and be free like we are. And you feel it.

Often, I've had friends tell me, "I was watching (insert random show involving animals of some sort) and it reminded me of you! I know you would love it." Or, "I saw something that was vegan the other day and I thought of you!"

Maybe someone is listening, after all.

A little note of thanks.

I feel so thankful for having such great friends read my blog and for encouraging me and supporting me with my posts and ideas. I love reading your comments!

So thanks. Especially on that last post. I think I really needed it. :)

Mothering on my terms.

Errr....this is somewhat of an awkward post for me to write. Remember I said that I had posts to write but never got them published? One of them was this post. If you think I'm pregnant while reading this, I'm not. :)

The day that I threw in the towel on being a mother was the day I saw a picture in my sister's book. I'm not sure what book it was (perhaps physiology?) but I think it was for a high school class.

Here's what it was, or at least what I can piece together from my six-year-old memory: one gigantic needle lodged in a swollen belly. Sounds morbid and gross? IT WAS. And it was enough to scar me to this day. I think I decided right then and there that if that's what being pregnant was--being subject to various pokes and prods with a mile-long needle--then I wasn't going to have kids. Nope.

Even growing up, kids never really appealed to me. I wasn't the type of girl dying to maul someone else's baby or oogling over Little Timmy's trip to the loo. Once in the car, I remember telling my mom that I didn't want to have kids. She seemed a little disappointed.

Nor did I ever dream about whittling about the house all day while my child slept peacefully in his rocker. I didn't want to be the woman that frantically stumbled into sacrament meeting with a frilly, lacy diaper bag over her shoulder. My mom wasn't like this, but I'm the youngest so I never saw her raise someone younger than me.

For some reason, although I don't think I ever personally knew moms that fit this description, this was the image plastered into my mind. This was the mold I had to fit to become a mom. And I didn't like it. There was also the never-ending feeling that once I became a mother, I wouldn't be me anymore. I would have to give up interests, hobbies and ambitions. Moms worry, too. I don't like to worry.

I don't remember the day when things started changing for me. It might have been a few years after I graduated from high school. It might have been when I married Mark. Or, it might have been the day I grew up a little.

I started learning about alternative medicine and different ways to give birth other than being tied up in a hospital bed. I learned about making my own baby food, cloth diapering, and baby wearing. Weird to most? Yes. Weird to me? Absolutely not.

Some call this kind of parenting "crunchy." Crunchy as in granola. I'm not sure about the word crunchy (it's on my list of annoying sounding words) but I'll definitely take granola. The whole practice just seems right to me.

As I've discussed this with other women my age, they look at me as if I live in a fantasy world. Exasperations from mothers saying something to the extent of, "Well, you just wait until you have those contractions!" or, "But disposable diapers are just so much easier!" always seemed to leave me down in the dumps. Last week, a coworker mentioned the topic of me eating meat during pregnancy and asked me if I would give in if I craved it. I proudly stated that I wouldn't touch it. Another coworker decided this would be the prime opportunity to tell me that I needed to eat meat, and that I shouldn't have kids unless I plan on eating it. The kids need it, she said.

The rest of work dragged on. I left feeling that if I want to have kids the way I plan on having them, that it will be an uphill battle with people's comments and opinions. Discouraging, to say the least.

Have you ever found where you belong, or have aspirations to get where you belong, only to have someone tell you that it's stupid?

I think I have finally found the definition for how I want to be as a mother. And it fits for me. To everyone else who thinks I'm looney: Sorry, I'm not. I'm marching to the beat of a different drummer.

Today, I asked Mark if he would care if we raised our kids that way. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Of course not. You're going to be the mother."

Impatient is the word.

Thanks for all your support on my lack of blogging. It feels good to get back to writing (it is my major, after all.)

Okay, time to share the news I've been DYING to spill for months--remember this post?

Mark applied for an internship in Germany. Munich to be exact. It was for an auditing position with Deloitte & Touche, one of the top accounting firms in the world. We found out about it early September and Mark applied in October. He received an email from the Deloitte & Touche branch in Munich letting him know they would be glad to offer him an internship, but there actually wasn't an "official" position for him in the summer. The man said there might be one, however, but it was all up to one company's decision. Who that company was and what they had to decide remains a mystery to me. But the man said it could be "as late as February" before he would know if there was a position for Mark.

Well, let me tell you, the time has dragged. And I am beginning to get IMPATIENT. Dare I say irritable? And I'm not even the one applying for the position. Mark seems pretty cool about it though. (Luckily, patience is one of Mark's best attributes.)

Here's why I'm so antsy: There are a lot of changes in store for us. I'm graduating in May. We're moving (maybe even to a new country). We've been in the same apartment for almost three years. My family wants to go on a trip to Europe over the summer with us. But here's the thing, we can't start planning it, because we don't know when we can go! Summer is going to be here before I know it, and all my plans are up in the air. As much as I like flying by the seat of my pants (which is how I make most of my decisions) I can't handle flying by the seat of my pants with this one.

You see, I miss Europe. When we found out about the internship opportunity, I immediately began searching the net for pictures, videos and apartment listings in Munich. I've been to Germany before, but only to see one castle.

I also recently discovered Google street view, which is available for some parts of Europe, such as Switzerland. I've started browsing streets here and there, seeing places I've been before. This does little to help the situation.

I'm so proud of Mark for applying and coming so close to getting accepted. Hopefully we can get an answer soon so we can close this chapter of our lives and start planning a new one. Let's hope time flies by--and fast.

One street corner I remember standing on in Lucerne, Switzerland. (Google street view)

Hopefully I'll see you soon, Europe!

February=Boredom.

I haven't written anything for awhile. It feels weird.

I keep starting blog entries to post them, because I feel the need to write feelings and thoughts down. Then once I get them down, for some reason, I see it as pointless to publish it. I feel like my blogging capabilities have died! What happened to me?

I'll blame it on February. Or perhaps because I haven't seen the sun in months. Thanks Cache Valley.