Annie, get your gun...

Today I am going to attempt to wade through the murky, potentially dangerous topic of hunting. I should add, that members of my family are hunters and this is not intended to look down upon them or judge them. I just love them too much. :)

Hunting. Yes, I'm well aware that it is the season. I would probably forget about it, but I am always reminded when I log onto Facebook and see status update after status update from other friends about it. Even worse, when I see a picture of someone with a dead animal. Blech.

The topic of hunting was usually never black and white for me. And now, even as much as I despise it, it still isn't black and white. Perhaps I should explain.

One of my first memories tied with hunting was when my father came home with a dead deer. I remember walking out and seeing it hanging in our shed behind our house. I was horrified. I ran away and hid from my dad behind the couch in our living room. It scared me to death.

Of course, fast forward to several years later, and I had accepted it. When my father, brothers, and cousins would go hunting and bring home an animal, I would stare at it in awe. I would love to see how pretty those animals were, even if they were dead.

When I was 12 or so, I thought about taking hunters safety because it seemed like such a fun thing to do. I wanted to go hiking up in the mountains and look for animals. However, the man in charge happened to call me in the middle of my nap one Friday afternoon. He wanted to know whether or not I intended to come to the class. For me, it was an easy answer. I was tired and it sounded really boring at the time, so I said no.

I should note though, that through all this time I always fished. Whenever we went on family trips, we would pack all our fishing poles. Fishing never seemed to bother me much, at least not as much as hunting initially did.

As time wore on, I got accustomed to the life of living in a family of hunters. It wasn't until after I graduated and left my parents' house that I started to question and seriously think twice about it again. There wasn't a certain event that steered me in this direction, at least as far as I can remember. But there was always this nagging feeling and it just didn't sit well with me.

A month or two before I met Mark, I was hanging out with another guy who loved to hunt. He would talk about it all the time. Once again, that nagging feeling came back up and I told him that I didn't think that hunting was right. He thought I was crazy. I couldn't keep seeing him because I knew that things just wouldn't work out. I needed to date someone who didn't prefer to kill animals.

Then I met Mark. One year after that, I started on the path to veganism.

Of course, as the years have gone on, I have heard various hunting stories and seen plenty of pictures. At first, they were really upsetting. Once the suffering of animals is put to the forefront of your concerns, it is amazing how much seeing even a dead squirrel can make you mad.

I wrote an article for a magazine journalism class that really made me question and wonder what the role of animals should be in our lives. Was it our responsibility to keep their populations in check? Was it our responsibility to kill ones who are considered diseased or invasive species? Was it our right to kill them if we needed food?

The answer to the latter question took a while for me to figure out. Even now, I know it isn't a simple answer and it is far from black and white. I know there are many people who are pro-hunting who think that I've "gone PETA" and who think that I care more about animals than humans.

The truth of it to me is that hunting has a place. It has a purpose. I understand the need for someone to go hunting when they are poor and they have a family to feed over the winter. I understand the need to go hunting when there is nothing else to eat. Do I understand the need to go hunting to see who can get the biggest deer or elk? Absolutely not.

In fact, we read in the scriptures, "Wo be unto man who sheddeth blood or that wasteth flesh and hath no need." (D&C 49:21)

Over the years, my view of hunting has gone from complete disgust to an almost mild acceptance. I have learned that in comparison with factory farming, wild animals really are better for you to eat (if in fact, you must eat meat). And the people who hunt actually know where their food is coming from and aren't afraid to do the job themselves. That part I can tolerate.

I think that in our culture, hunting has been glamorized. Walk through any Cabela's or Sportsman's Warehouse and it's obvious. Every now and then my family would get the biggest hard-bound Cabela's catalog that I've ever seen whose size trumps that of the Bible.

I understand though--hunting is fun for some people. Even I used to love going up to deer camp in the fall and sitting around the fire. When it got cold, I would go into the canvas tent with the fire and stay warm. I've never actually hunted, but that part was fun enough to me.

So now that I've said that hunting has a place, is it really needed? Is it really worth all the money (sometimes thousands of dollars for some tags) just to kill an animal? I guess that is very questionable and the answer will change depending on who you talk to. Many people say that hunting is needed to control animal populations. To me, a simple answer is that we feel we need to control animal populations because we also hunt the predators of these animals, too. I think nature does a very good job of balancing everything out when just left to itself.

I'm not sure why I feel the need to post something about this, other than to say that the over-killing and over-glamorization of hunting is really bothers me. If someone needs to hunt to survive, then fine. But I don't think that the competition of seeing who can take the largest or most exotic animal is right. If someone really needs food, then why be picky? Why kill an animal if there is no intent to eat it?

This is a hard topic to confine to one post, and my thoughts have been so scattered lately that I hope you don't mind if it isn't well written. Whenever I see mindless and glorification of killing animals, one quote by President Brigham Young comes to mind: "Not one particle of all that comprises this vast creation of God is our own. Everything we have has been bestowed upon us for our action, to see what we would do with it--whether we would use it for eternal life and exaltation, or for eternal death and degradation."

I'm a White.

A few years ago, I remember my mother wanting me to take a personality test. I can't remember exactly why she wanted me to, but I took the test. My answer? You are White. And Yellow.

I didn't learn exactly what those colors meant or remembered it. I passed it off as just another "self-discovery" test that you forget about.

Then, a few years ago, my friend and I retook the test. Her father, from what I remember, was a big believer and even owned the disks explaining the different color personality types. The test is The Color Code, created by Dr. Taylor Hartman. Basically, you are given a set of questions. With each question you are given a list of words and you are supposed to pick out which word defines you best out of the four choices. At the end, you tally your words and find out which color personality you are.

So lo and behold, I received the same result that I had years before. I was a split between White and Yellow.

What do those colors mean, you might ask?

Here's the definition of a White, from Wikipedia (mostly because I can't find it on the actual website of the test):

Whites: The Peacekeepers

"Motivated by Peace, Whites will do almost anything to avoid confrontation and to create tranquility. They have a remarkable ability to understand and draw objective conclusions—they are the voice of reason, and this is their gift to us."

Hmm, sounds interesting, right? It goes on...

"White Strengths: Whites are kind, considerate, patient and accepting. Unlike Blues and Reds, they are not judgmental or critical of others’ actions or behaviors. They simply accept people for who they are: the good, the bad and the ugly. They are tactful, because they don’t want to create confrontation or rock the boat too much. Not rocking the boat is also revealed in Whites through their strength to self-regulate. Controlling their own behavior is a natural strength and this precludes impulsivity. To the rest of us, they offer a clear perspective that is objective and factual. They are excellent listeners, taking what is said sequentially, understanding why it is said, what it is going to take to deal with any problematic situations, and what they can do to help. They simply hear the facts, making no judgments on what is being said. In essence, they are virtually devoid of ego. They are good at constructing thoughts that did not exist before, just from careful listening and taking time to think things through.

White Limitations: Whites don’t commonly share what they are seeing, feeling or understanding. When they have a conflict, they won’t show it. Like a duck, they are paddling violently underwater, but on the surface, they appear calm and comfortable.

Whites can be unwilling to set goals. They are generally very content with the way things are. If you try to force them to set goals, they may reply, “I don’t know where I’m going to be in a month. How can I possibly set goals?” Better yet, they will write down the goals to get you off of their back, but have no intention of following through with them. They resist working at someone else’s pace.

Even though Whites seem ambivalent about most things, they can be very self-deprecating. They are very generous when it comes to accepting others’ limitations, but will be disapproving of themselves. On the flip side, they can also become uncomfortable when receiving public praise and fanfare. People with the DCM of Peace tend to operate on a very logical basis like Reds, but move through life using their ability to reason in a milder manner than Reds. They don’t need to dominate like a Red, but will calmly offer a voice of reason that benefits everyone."

So many points made in those paragraphs make me laugh, because I can see myself so clearly. First off, I am NOT a goal person. I don't think I've actually wrote down a goal, worked, and accomplished it. Sure I make little personal goals, but I don't strive on setting and keeping them.

Second, I am a huge fan of comfort. I'm all about it. If I ever feel awkward in a social situation or feel that I might, I avoid it at all costs. I hate it when my clothes make me uncomfortable. Confrontations=uncomfortableness, hence why I love to avoid them. Basically, anything that makes me uncomfortable and I know that it will, I generally avoid it.

Third, I have to laugh at the "Strengths" part because it makes a White sound as if they aren't human. Trust me, I judge people. I try not to, as I'm sure we all do, but it happens. I'm not sure if I'm a good listener, and so on and so forth.

I'm not going to post the full definition of a yellow, but you can find it here. Although I am largely White and Yellow, as time wears on, I find myself expressing my White habits more and more. I'm not sure if I like it, either.

Here's the conflict: I am opinionated. I don't show it often or tell it to many people, but I sure am. I love having good, truthful, and calm discussions with people about various things just as long as things don't get heated. This puts me in quite the predicament, doesn't it? I only like to share things when I know it won't lead to a confrontation or an uncomfortable situation of some sort. Then at the same time, if I keep things inside, I'm not sure anyone understands me. Hence the trap.

I also am pretty bad at expressing myself vocally, unless I know someone really well. That's where the need for writing and blogging comes in. Truthfully, I think I came to really liking writing so much is because it became a safe, easy way for me to express myself.

But there comes times for certain things that I just need to write to get it out of my system. It is my hopes that in sharing, it will make me less of a White than I want to be. Because I want to be the person who is not always deathly scared of confrontation and I want to learn to get outside of my comfort zone a little. So be warned. Such posts might be coming.

This is all sounding like a journal entry or a commercial, right? If you're wondering why I shared this, it is because I truly think that finding out your color personality will help you understand the reasons why you do certain things. There are so many times when I find myself doing something or read the descriptions of the various personalities and say, "AH! It makes sense!" (If you want to take the test, you can go here. It is free but it will also only give you one color result as opposed to giving you a graph showing you all the colors that make up you. But it's still a good test and it's still free. So go for it!)

One of them is my innate fear of people with a red color personality. Well, not really a fear, but they seem to be the exact opposite of me. I think the reason why my mother wanted me to take the test is because she has quite a lot of red in her and didn't understand how or why I did things. Learning this test also helped me understand opinionated, charged people more for SO many reasons. It helped me better understand the people around me, especially my family and friends.

So maybe blogging will help me get to the place where I want to be. Just maybe though, because I'm not setting any goals on it.

Have you taken the test? What are your colors? Did it help you discover your personality and answer questions that you've always had about yourself?

Animal Rights: Reintroduced.

Can I share something with you? Really, a deep dark secret that I've hidden for awhile and I don't know if I can keep it in any longer.

I'm not sure if I like veganism. I'm not sure if I like vegans.

This distaste has been lingering in my mouth for awhile. It might have started late last year with the release of Jonathan Safran Foer's book "Eating Animals." I haven't read the book, but I was really excited to see it released and get so much mainstream attention. I cheered as I read his personal story about his path to vegetarianism. I cheered as people gave it great reviews.

Then, I came across an extremely critical review by a fellow vegan whom I was friends with on Facebook and following on Twitter. Basically, his article said, "Oh, that's great you're vegetarian. But you are not close to doing enough." I am desperately searching for the article, but I can't find it. (ah ha! I found it.) I was so put off, I sent him a tweet rebuking his nasty commentary, and I rarely tweet at all. I quickly found that I was not the only one giving him grief for doing so. Another female vegan had joined in and was questioning his harsh comments on the book.

Basically, we were both telling him that it was unfair for him to criticize Foer for saying that veganism is hard. Because for him, the critic, it must have been completely easy. He would not rest his case and kept insisting that Foer was a horrible proponent of animal rights. Oh, how foolish of us to think otherwise!

After that incident, I remember thinking, This is ridiculous. I remember questioning if I still wanted to be clumped together in the same group and stereotype of people as this man. After all, we were after the same goal, weren't we? We are all for giving animals their rights, so why were we all pointing fingers?

I wondered if this guy knew anything about progression and the act of trying to make oneself better. Any step towards progression is not black and white, not all or nothing in a heartbeat. There are hurdles, there is questioning. There are struggles and there are times when you feel like an outcast.

Veganism is extreme, I get it. It seems elitist. It seems rude, pushy, and preachy. And for this man to sit and tell everyone else it was going to be the easiest thing in the world was such a joke to me. There were so many times when I felt so guilty for passing up someone's birthday cake, and for turning down the many meals so many people had prepared for me. Then there were the countless times that I felt like such a hassle when someone would go out of their way to make a meatless/dairy-free version of the food that they were making for everyone else. I was always very thankful, but I always felt so bad for making them do that. I remember one instance where I went to visit my brother and he had made chicken and dumpings for my sisters and me. I don't think he was aware of my veganism at the time, but after I finally got up the courage to tell him that I didn't eat meat, he let me pick a can of soup out of his cupboard that I could eat for lunch with his family. The guilt I felt over this was enormous, for SO many reasons. I still feel bad about it to this day.

I would think to myself in such occasions, Oh, why don't you just eat it so you don't offend anyone. But then I would also think, But if you eat this, they are going to think that you are okay with eating it and then it's hypocritical of you to turn it down from someone else.

I should probably be clear here: my choice to eat food free from animal products was relatively easy outside of social situations. Piece of cake, even. And my family was supportive of my choice and did not hassle me about it. I do know, however, that some of my extended family thought I was crazy and wondered what the heck happened to me. Sometimes you can just feel those things without any words being spoken.

And I should probably also be clear about another thing. As of right now, I'm no longer vegan. My transition to Germany has proven a challenging one on my diet. I could tell you a million reasons why, but I think it's pretty self explanatory when you live in a country whose people eat salami for breakfast and who has a dairy section to trump any other food section in their grocery stores. All the foods that I used to eat back home and regularly relied on for sustenance and health are a challenge to find. And that includes basics like good beans and fresh vegetables.

And another thing: my love and passion for animal rights was put on a definite back burner. I stopped listening to my favorite vegetarian podcast. I stopped reading about it constantly. My interest for it died. Interests replaced other interests and soon my lifestyle had changed. I stopped seeing dairy and eggs as the most heinous things and started buying them again. I wondered what I was doing and where I was going. I ate fish a few times.

Some of you might be thinking, Oh suck it up and just eat some meat/dairy/eggs already. It's not that big of a deal. Stop complaining and overanalyzing.

Am I telling myself the same thing? It's hard to say. Sometimes I feel like it. Sometimes, I think that it wouldn't be that big of a deal if I went back to some of my old habits.

Fast forward to tonight. Mark and I are sitting around his computer trying to decide what to watch. We stumble upon Discovery's Shark Week and start watching a few shows. As one ends, Mark asks what other one I would like to watch. "Oh, Saving Sharks," I say.

Instantly, a guy appears on the screen and is talking about his efforts in saving sea turtles. He explains that fishing is contributing to their declining numbers. Then he talks about one guy who goes aboard a longline fishing boat to see how many sea turtles are killed because of the practice. Then it cuts to footage of a shark who got hooked on a longline being hauled up and over the side of the boat. A fisher grabs a long knife and proceeds to hack off one fin. "Oh Mark, please stop it," I say. Mark doesn't. He sits and watches with disgust on his face as the fisherman hacks off the other fin and perhaps another (I closed by eyes for a moment). I open my eyes to see the fisherman shove the helpless animal off the side of the boat. The animal lands back in the ocean completely alive and even more helpless. It can't move and it will die a slow painful death. Although the man explains that the footage of that poor helpless shark actually ignited a movement within Costa Rica to place some of the strictest rules on fishermen, I sat there sick to my stomach.

I had learned in my Oceanography class about the deep and huge impacts of fishing on the oceans of the world. My teacher had taken the time to explain the various problems one day and had also included plenty of pictures. I decided then and there that I would never contribute to that heinous industry again. And yet, here I sat.

I have. I did. I forgot my promise.

The road to discovery and improvement is riddled with bumps and detours. A million times you might ask yourself, Do I know what I'm doing? Can't I go back to being comfortable again?

But then again, where would humans be without progress? Is it good to make a promise to ourselves, to make a commitment and to back out on it or take the easy route? Am I really comfortable when I know I should and could be doing better?

We make promises to ourselves. We strive to be better. We have ethics that we strive to keep and feel disappointed when we let ourselves down.

For that reason, I have to keep pushing through the gray. My promise might have been forgotten, but it's definitely not lost.

A Belated Oregon Vacation.

Today I was going through the tedious process of salvaging some photos off my Facebook when I realized that I never blogged about our Oregon trip. Thankfully, I uploaded about 70 photos from our trip to Facebook, so I could save them to my computer. Phew! Flipping through those photos really made me happy. We had such a fun trip.

Mark and I decided to go to Oregon because, well, it's one of my favorite places in the whole wide world and he's never been there before. My family used to go there every year, but because of my parents' mission and my school I hadn't been there for about 5 years. It was high time to go back! This was also the time when Mark found out that the internship in Munich wasn't going to work and we didn't know if we were going anywhere for the summer. So needless to say, we needed a break. We packed up the car over spring break and headed for the coast!

Welcome to Oregon!

Blech. Nasty snow in the Blue Mountains. Exactly what my dad warned me about. This section of our trip was definitely white knuckles on the steering wheel. The scariest part was going down the summit because the road was so steep. Boy, was I relieved when we finally made it out and down into the valley where it was raining!

Headed towards the Columbia. A break in the clouds. After this, I took a few pictures of the turbines along the Columbia River, then it was took dark to take any more. We made it to our hotel in Portland around 9 p.m. and were so excited for the next day!

Mark down by the Columbia River in Portland. We went to investigate the Saturday market in the city center.

Gorgeous.

I was so excited to see green grass, blooming trees, and clear skies after being stuck in Logan for the winter. Logan has nasty inversions and black snow that won't melt in March.

The "Made in Oregon" sign is behind there somewhere.

One part of the market.

After that, we made our way to Sweetpea Baking Company (a vegan bakery) and had a delicious lunch. It was so overwhelming to eat somewhere were I actually could eat any item if I wanted to. It was so hard to pick, but I decided on a vegan chickpea melt (supposed to be like a tuna melt). It was so good. Mark got a double stacker grilled cheese. Then I picked up a carrot cake cupcake on the way out. Yum!

After that, we decided to go to Multnomah Falls because we didn't know if we would have time for it later in the trip.

We accidently came across the old highway that runs between the current freeway and the mountain. It was gorgeous and I'm so glad we found it.

We also found Wahkeenah Falls, something else I'd never seen!

We hiked up to see it closer.

Then we went to see Multnomah!

A bearded Mark! It's so weird to see him with a beard. I'm so used to him being clean shaven for his internship now.

The next day we drove to Astoria. What a cute town!

Looking out to where the Columbia almost meets the Pacific.

The Astoria Tower

The Columbia and the Pacific Ocean!

The views from up top are phenomenal.

Of course, I had to get in some shots of Astoria, too.

It sure was windy up there. The only reason there's just a picture of me is because Mark was scared of getting anywhere near the railing and basically clutched the building the whole time. haha! Oh Mark. Soon after, we walked back down the tower and were safely on the ground again. :)

Ocean ho!

Next stop was Seaside. We had fun walking around the shops and strolling the beach.

After several unsuccessful attempts at a taking our own picture by the ocean, a nice lady came by and offered to take our picture for us. Thanks, kind lady!

Seaside beach

Canon Beach!

Mark and the coast!

This is one of my favorite stops along the coast. You can see so much.

Oceanside!

Cape Meares lighthouse. Some morons decided it would be cool to shoot out the windows and even the lens inside. :(

Then we made our way to Pacific City. I love this place! Here is Cape Kiwanda.

Mark took off his shoes so he could venture out in the ocean. This was his first time, and I think he's a little skeptical!

So cold!

We walked to the other side of the sand dunes and watched the waves for awhile. This is where my shoe almost took a fateful dive off the cliff into the ocean, but Mark climbed under the fence and rescued it for me. We had this all on video because it happened while I was filming the ocean, but sadly, it is lost. :(

Tierra Del Mar, where we usually stay in our relative's beach house.

The next morning as the sun was rising, we stopped by Cape Kiwanda to say goodbye before we headed home.

We had such an amazing trip and I'm thankful that I could salvage these photos from Facebook. There is something so amazing about the Oregon Coast that I don't think I can ever get enough of. It's a combination of the relaxed attitude, the nice people, the cool air, the green forests and the ocean that just make it so magical.

Songs for a summer in Germany.

I've had absolutely no new ideas for a blog post for weeks, and the only thing that I've got going for me is some amazing music. Here's the music I've been listening to this summer. Some are new finds and some have been resurrected many times. (Pick and choose to listen at your whim and enjoy!)

1. Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros--"Home"

2. "Erasure"--Oh l'amour

3. A-ha--"Take On Me"

4. The Knife--"This is Now"

5. Boys Noize--"Gax" (This guy's German!)

6. Crystal Castles--"Vanished"

7. Iron & Wine--"Innocent Bones"

8. Gorillaz--"Empire Ants"

9. Pet Shop Boys--"West End Girls"

10. Sade--"By Your Side"

11. Sade--"Smooth Operator"

12. Simple Minds--"Don't You Forget About Me"

13. PJ Harvey--"Grow Grow Grow" (skip to 0:35)

14. M83--"Kim & Jessie"

15. Gaudi--"Sufani"

16. The Smiths--"How Soon is Now?"

17. Eurythmics--"Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)"

18. Toto--"Africa"

19. Enya--"Book of Days"

20. The Knife--"Neon"

:)

Heartbeats.

In a humble offering of how long I've been away from this blog, I'm posting one of my favorite songs ever.

"Heartbeats" by The Knife. Live. It's aaaamazing. You won't regret listening to it, trust me.

I plan to post more soon! In the meantime, enjoy. And enjoy your summer!

New blog!

Most of you probably already know, but I started a new blog for our journey in Europe. It's called Zwei Amerikaner in Deutschland.

Haha, Two Americans in Germany, get it?

Just kidding. I know you could figure it out, just wanted to be a little different with the name. You know how I am with naming blogs. Don't worry, next month it'll probably be something completely different. :)

But I hope you join us, because I'm sure going to have a lot of fun posting our stuff and keeping you all updated. I can't wait!